How To Be A Rocket Scientist

Today my girlfriends bike broke. It was not a sudden thing. I knew it was having problems. But its a bicycle. I figured, ya know, it can't be that bad. It was hard as hell to pedal, it didn't like changing gears, and in general, it went so slow that you'd be pedaling your butt off, and people would be walking past your sweaty stinky body at a casual pace. That means, the chain has gone bad and needs to be replaced. So I head to the store, I get me a chain tool, and a chain and I check all the directions.. and that was were I made my first mistake. 10 minutes by yourself, its a snap! Sweet! I had to be somewhere today, you know, that wasn't at home fucking with a bike chain. That's what I thought. Instead, this happened:

Apparently it forgets to tell you that you have to BE a machine to work the chain tool to take off the chain. Then if you push it just a tiny tiny bit too far, you fucked up and now your screwed. And then I couldn't get the new chain on. And then the chain tool broke. And then a neighbor had a stolen new one I could borrow. And that was great after I had to shorten the chain 4 links further than I should've had to according to the directions. And then the master link broke in half on a test ride. And then we're back to the pain in the ass pins. A total of 4 hours, 3 chains, 2 chain tools, and 1 pissed off girl later, my girlfriend had a working bicycle.

You know what I have to say about that? Who the fuck is the person who did that in 10 minutes by themselves? And who the fuck wrote those directions? One thing I hate is reading a manual and it says "easy to install" or "will only take ten minutes". What those things should say is, "this will make you feel retarded, you'll need tools like a fork and spend half your day kicking yourself in the ass." Then you get one of those things that's like, "this is hard as shit" and your done with it in like 2 seconds. One more hour and her brand new shiny bike, would've looked like this......
I think from now on, I'll stick with things like, building houses and furniture, you know, the easy to assemble stuff.

Rock It For Four More Years

So accidents happen. We trip on sidewalks, we fart in public, we quiff in bed, we elect presidents. We are deemed so moronic and accident prone, that they made this sign. -See Above Photo- Oh but no worries, Obama has become America's hero. This is the man who is suppose to save our economy, bring back civil liberties, fix our international relationships, give more power back to the people, and be a family man all the while. Yeah, that's an accident waiting to happen. To clearly present the incident that we are about to face, I'd like point out saying, "hollow dicks" sounds suspiciously like "politics". If somebody asked me, in four years, could I save the world, give people hope, and fix the budgeting that has collapsed into a quick sand pit of shit, I would respond with, "Erm, yes, just let me have a cigarette and pop a cap in my head real quick, and then I'm all yours."

Here's the deal, the plan's for the economy are on their way to the Senate. And I know all you die hard Republican's out there are like, "NOOOOOOOOOOO" But really, its not all bad. As a matter of fact, if I was a Republican, when I'm not busy having sex with illegal minors, I'd be ecstatic about this. And if your a Democrat like I am, then we need to talk. This, is not the Golden Compass sweethearts. The truth is, with the Democrats having absolute power like they got going on right now, a lot of these decisions are just what the party wants, not actually useful to any of us though. We don't need a few million dollars that the younger generation is going to have to pay back later going to crazy shit that isn't going to produce income or even stabalized assets that are worth the money we're dropping into them.

What we need to fix the economy....? Jobs help. Jobs help a lot. But we don't need to make businesses to get jobs that aren't going to make it for 3-5 years. No. And we don't need to bail out companies that are laying off workers and still reporting record high profits. No. What we need to fix an economy... let's go back to basics. The corporate world is greedy, no new president is going to fix that for us. Laying off people happened long before this crisis, it happens because a business realizes that it can make more money in profit if it gets rid of a certain percentage of its workers. Outsourcing cuts labor costs. So, if you wanted to keep more jobs here.. companies still need the same amount of workers, so ... put a cap on outsourcing so damn much. (Republicans, I know you're hearing me on this one) If the jobs are in the US, then the US citizens are going to have more jobs.

Okay, here is a problem for you: Let's say, your state pays for the fixing of the roads, natural disaster reliefs, schools, and all state run departments, like firefighters, cops, and such. And you cut taxes. Like everybody wants, everybody wants to pay less taxes... no bitches. no. When your house burns down, and you live right next to a fire station and nobody comes to help you..... is the answer, "well, we have firefighters, but due to tax cuts, we weren't able to afford any fire trucks.. is that going to make you happy? I mean, what if they respond with, "yeah, well, it was either lay off some fire fighters or lay off the trucks." Which would you say needs to go?

When we are in such a massive hole as we are in now.. what we need, is job security so we can increase the taxes.. but we need officials who know how to do math. We need to find a way for them to prove the budget by the people. Which means, the people need to care A LOT more than we do right now. It takes common interest and unity to make a nation. Not level of education and tax breaks for the higher income house holds. We all agree, Bush, failed. But lets expand that situation.. as a president, Bush really didn't do half bad. What was horrible was what he symbolized. His administration was a disaster. And he couldn't read or think for himself. Another small problem. But Carl Rove did his part to fuck us up.. a very large part. And Rupert Murdock... anybody pointing fingers at that guy? Anybody? 9/11, and the media.. ring any bells... that wasn't Bush, that was Rupert. That was money talking louder than the people. So, the answer here, is not JUST to lower the volume on money, but you ALSO have to raise the voice of the people.

Stepping in for that .... Obama. But come on, this guy is like.. idolized. He needs the American people to help themselves out a bit, and what are you doing right now, reading my blog (kudos to you!) and waiting for him to fix everything for you. And what happens if he can't do it alone? ... Then... in four years, this:is going to start looking very similar to this:



What I'm saying here people, is stop being stupid. Educate yourself. This is your country dammit. Our presidents are not to blame no matter how much they cheat their way into politics. (Fucking Florida... gosh!) This man, Obama, WILL FAIL. It takes a whole fucking country to succeed at the tasks we have in front of us. And we can count on our hollow dicks to let us down every time. We can be like, oops, we made a mistake, it was an accident. Like how everybody did right after Bush was elected for his second term. That.. was an accident. Let's try not to have a repeat shall we? Stand up you lazy fuckers. I don't care if you voted. I don't care if your old enough to vote. Don't talk shit you heard from your parents or friends. Go find out both sides of the opinion and then stand behind whichever, or neither you think is right for what you believe. Does not make a difference if you are an ass or an elephant. I mean really.. nobody cares about.

----FUN FACTS: Though the donkey is not actually officially adopted by the Democratic Party, It's acceptance as such came from a political cartoonist. But it really hit home with Andrew Jackson, who was called a "jackass" for his campaign "Let the People Rule". Guess which party called him a jackass for saying that one?

The elephant came from the same cartoonist Thomas Nast. It came from an untrue story in the paper about animals running wildly around, escapees, from a zoo. Interestingly enough, the original cartoon had the elephant representing Republican voters, not the whole party. But the elephant is now officially adopted by the party itself.----

Oh yes, for those of you interested in where all the money is going.. check this out.
Where The Money Tumbles, Nobody Knows!
If your interest is in anything else.. watch CSPAN. I mean, its not biased if its boring as fuck and live coverage of all the big decisions being made. But for the love of god. Do Not come to me talking up a storm about hollow dicks if you're source of news is CNN or your parents. All you can do for your country if CNN or mom and dad is your outlet, is either, die, or shut the fuck up. Thank you.

Tune in next time folks when we discuss an increase in car tipping ever since the cow's went on strike!!

Harvest Moon Catastrophe

Events occur every once in a while that make us all step back and realize just how human we really are. Sometimes emotions such as pride are inflicted. Prime example here, as we watched our towers fall, and the sirens on screen rushing into that cloud of debris, our anger for anybody who would do that fumed out of us as the pride in our chests gave us hope that Americans would pull through this. We would help our fellow fallen ones, we would not stop till every one of them still breathing was pulled out of that. That was a catastrophe that made us more human. In a sense, we need things like that sometimes.

Such a case has risen in my life, taking the form of.... -insert suspense here- a video game. Harvest Moon came out a while ago. Granted, I'm a little slow to review games that I can tell by the name are going to be lame and less than stimulating. But as my girlfriend stared at the game on the shelf with stars and twinkles in her eyes, I figured, there has to be something to it, why else would it still be so fucking expensive? As a side thought, it has occurred to me that I rate game play prematurely by the cost of the purchase. So, based on that, and the fact that I could not just stand by being the dick wad who wouldn't buy her girlfriend a game because the name of it was Harvest Moon.

Long story short here, last night I experienced something I'd never felt before. I thought patience testing was being forced to babysit 1-3 year old children. I never knew I could find enjoyment out of it though! For those of you who have never played Harvest Moon, let me break some news to you. You, are a farmer. I'm not kidding. You're goal in the game, is to farm productively, and get married to one of 4 chicks in the game, and then raise a family. That about concludes the game. Yes, yes, it sounds like blowing air through a straw would be a much more efficient use of your time. And it probably would. I'm not even going to lie to you. But what I found as I played the game.. was that you have these little plots on your farm. You know, for growing tomatoes and watermelons and such. And each of these little plots have to be hoed, planted, and watered individually. Once originally planted, you have to go around, preferably at least twice a game day watering each little plot. (Every minute of the day ticks by in the corner of your screen as seconds in real life) Let me give you a visual of what I'm talking about here:
Okay, you see each little plant thing. Yeah, that little fucker had to be watered twice a fucking day, all by itself, you then have to back up, reposition your watering can, and water the next one. Back up, repeat process.

That's not all, there's more to this than that. You have to love on ALL of your animals in the farm, DAILY. Train your dog, brush your cows, water your fucking plants, talk to the villagers, explore the area, make sure your ordering forms are filled out, and you have to make sure you get to bed at a reasonable hour or A) You collapse from exhaustion or B) You wake up late the next day throwing off your entire fucking routine. I mean this game is very much like running a real farm, time management wise anyway. So .... the problem is, yesterday, today and tomorrow are exactly the fucking same. You have to be married within a game play year, and that's a lot of hours spent doing the exact same thing, over and over and over again.

Why, you ask, why do I hate myself so much? I'll tell you...
IT IS MY PERSONAL MISSION TO DEFEAT THIS GAME!
Let me explain. Minus the rest of the repetitive crap you do in Harvest Moon, the watering of the plants is the most time consuming test of patience I've ever come across in my entire fucking life. And when the towers collapsed, I learned I was more of a patriot than I knew I was. And when I broke my neck, I learned I was not invincible. And playing Harvest Moon, I know now that I have very very VERY little patience. See, I did not know that. I thought I had decent enough patience. I was so wrong... -hangs head in shame-

But no worries, kiddos, I have found the solution to all you out there that have patience problems like I do. When we want to teach our children their alphabet, we play games that include letters. When we want to teach them to eat their nasty ass greens, we make it a helicopter, cause helicopters are FUN! Harvest Moon is the adult way to learn patience. I'm pretty sure. Somewhere out there, a developer was like, let's make our players have patience of GOLD so when they are done playing our game, they feel like that have made a personal achievement in their lives. And this game was made. I have to do this, this isn't a joke, I have to prove to myself that I'm still capable of bettering myself on any level. Any. I'm so not picky anymore. Video game better-ness is better than.. fuck, I mean, what's better than that? Oh yeah. Paving Nebraska's sidewalks in gold. (personal dream of mine)

Go out there people of no patience, and experience what the gaming industry has designed for us. Tell your boss your calling in sick because playing this game will help you not kill that fucking coworker of yours. Do it for your fellow fallen ones dammit. Do it for yourself. Harvest that fucking Moon! And do it with a smile!

-coughs- and erm.. also to make you smile:

I mean, like, hell yeah right?

Save Me Now, Mother

You wanted to know how my head works and where things come from.... this is an example:

Onwards and outwards now, my dear, and I'll take your shoes and socks and make you a rainbow of pretty things and happy things and give you all the pieces of skittles you can eat till you ankles swell up and your pants rip and half and Bambi plays chess with Hitler. Cause we all need dreams and beliefs and nightmares and such of clowns and spiders and bees. Now tip your hat to the mail lady, my sweet, and say good night to your ma. We have a big day coming fast on the Amtrak and it'll be here by noon tomorrow if you kiss me good night then I'll tell you a story of how we all came to be here. We'll paint your room with gumbo juice and sit on the roof while it dries. Don't cry now, my love, you're life has just begun. There's pimps and ho's out there that have it more rough than you. Tap tap on your shoulder till you forgot why you showed up here in the first place. We don't need a destination, cause the travel guide said a tour would be coming up in only an hour and a half past tea time and sleep time and Google me senseless on my endeavors into your heart and your mind and your chirps and whistles give me a headache. Not that it matters, we all know that smiles can kill a man... so go on, go outside and play with your self till you can't make roses out of tomatoes anymore. There's nothing out there that you can't tangle up in the washer anyway. Hustle and bustle my ideas in your head till thoughts come out that you can teach to your children and their army of MMORPG's and I'll make dinner tonight if you remember to tighten the jar on the mayonnaise. Onwards and outwards like little gay bunnies to the Inauguration fair and I'll be damned if I just sit here, my sweet, I'll tell you a story instead.

Tongue Playground

For all you smokers out there, this is your shout out:
When you were a kid, did you ever have that fear that words were limited? The media feeds into this a bit with all those movies where the guy is about to get shot in the head and the bad guy asks, "Any last words?" Or somebody you know dies and everybody goes, "and their last words were...." It only makes sense to assume as a child, that you have X amount of words you are allowed to use before BAM your life is over. An embarrassing memory as a kid that I had was you know how kids sometimes run around in circles trying to catch air into a jar? Okay, imagine an 8 year old girl running around the grown ups talking in the living room trying to catch all their words. See, I knew then, I might need these somedays. If a limited amount of words were true, I was investing in my future. It was a good idea dammit. So for the sake of all of you out there that have ever worried that one day you might not have anything left to say, compiling your sentences may just save your life down the road.

Here's the problem: Let's say you would like to go get something to eat. How do you convey this message. Well by saying your hungry. Or, how about you would like to go lay down for a bit. You would just say your tired. Or you are taking a nap. Much shorter that way you see. In the case of the hunger.. "I would like to get something to eat" vs. "I'm hungry." That's a savings of SIX words! SIX. The years just keep adding up here. But when they made these shorter versions for us using the English language... They showed their true colors. Oh yes, I'm calling them out on their discrimanitory actions!!! What about smokers! Huh? What about those addicted to the ready roll? I mean, they included drug addicts. You don't hear people saying, "I would like to go snort some crack today." No... those bitches just say, "I want my fix today." So many words... so little time. But no, oh no, nothing for the smokers. I challenge you to try to think of what somebody can say instead of, "I would like to step outside for a cigarette"
...
...
...
That's right. There is nothing else. Until now. I would like to officially be the one to cut the ribbon, raise the curtain and take a bow for the soon to be (if they don't turn me down) newest addition to the Websters dictionary. Carpooched. What do you want to do right now? I'm glad you asked, I was thinking I might carpooch.

Carpooch: (v)(adj)(n)(anything)- One's need to smoke/chew tobacco.

Just letting you smokers know, I've got your back bitches. I'd like you all to think a second and realize how many days of your life can be saved by talking more meaningfully, more condensely, and less ridiculously. Realize, that every time you carpooch that blessed cancer stick, how many words you weren't saying during it. Lets face it, smacking somebody across face means, "I don't like you." Giving somebody the finger means, "I don't like you." Running somebody over with your car means, "I don't like you." So carpooch with meaning because we all know, putting out your cigarette onto somebody's arm gets the message across loud and clear. "I really don't fucking like you." Save your words you beautiful carpoocher. And do it with care. We only have so many out there...

Hamsters, Orgasms, and Save Points

Imagine a day, it's sunny out. You're walking down the side walk. The heat is coming up and from the pavement and you've got just enough money to buy yourself that morning coffee that makes everything okay. What do you do? Well duh, you stop at the save crystal and save your life before you go into 7-Eleven. I mean, because we all know that those places get robbed like every other day. You never know when you might need to restart. For all of those out there that have every played Final Fantasy. Or any video game really. We all know the happiness that you can only get when you've defeated that hard as fuck bad guy and you've got shit for health and you know you're about to enter that place in the world that is just full of mini monsters. And out of the nowhere... save crystal! That kinda happiness needs to be accessible in the real world. Not only can you save so you restart at a later time because you are in a hurry to get that drink, but, it also cures you of any ailments that you might have gotten during that drunken one night stand you had last night... awkward morning you've had. "Good morning, that was amazing, so.... um... I didn't catch your name." And now, here you are, at your save crystal, about to head into the 7-Eleven. You go in, the place reeks of something suspiciously like urine and stale donuts. Good, no robbers here. You get your coffee, and you go up to the counter. You're cashier takes his time to look at you, like always, like they are obviously doing something of great importance, and you.. should die for interrupting them... As they turn to give you the "I so hate you" look, you notice that something strange about them.... This is what you see:

Well... okay. I mean, who's going to fuck with this hamster in the middle of the night? You smile. Because I mean really, what else can you do. Stepping outside again into the blasting heat you stop by your save crystal again, just in case you're having a bad day and need to see a hamster clerk one more time. You pick up a newspaper from the corner vender. Handy little hamster that guy is, didn't even charge you. And continue walking down the sidewalk. Reading the front page of the paper you learn a few things... Russia is secretly taking over the world.. Florida got bombed and broke up and is now lost somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. (How did that happen?) The economy isn't doing so hot and the Republicans are taking a get out of jail free card on this one. Not sure why they presented that to the congress, but hey, it made for a good picture. What else is going on? We have a first black president. Actually, scratch that. We have our first half black president. Or half white, pending on your side of the debate. Oh yeah, and apparently, we have corruption in the government. Who knew? That's okay, we all die soon anyway, (BEWARE: end of the world in....10 months, 18 days, and 3 years) You look up as your shoe bumps into something. By your shoe lays one of those counters, you know... like for roll over minute commercials.. oh.. but its not one of those. You know what this is. This is your lucky day, you were running really low on roll over orgasms, finding one just laying around saved you having to buy more! They never expire and unlike minutes, these are reusable up to 24 hours once activated. Sweet, your apartment is only a block away. Better store this till next week. As you toss your newspaper into the recycling bin beside your door, you turn and look around. It's going to be a great morning.

Oh Shit. We're All Gonna Die

Okay, so let's talk about it. December 21, 2012. Obviously, this is the day we all are going to die. That is the day we flip upside down on our axis. Time will stop. Natural disasters will kill everybody who was not dead already from the toxic atmosphere. Chaos will ensue. And not one person will give a fuck about the failing economy then. One of the biggest things that stands out about that date, 12/21/2012 is that is has -coughs- a lot of the same numbers in it. Also, this is one of the few doomsday dates that has so much crap happening in less than 24 hours. So for the sake of confusion, lets take these on one by one shall we?

Mayan Calender. Doo Doo Doooooooomm... So how many days exactly have passed since August 11, 3114 BCE? A Whole Fucking Lot. Okay, so lets all agree, that in 2012 the Long Count Calender comes to the end of a cycle. And I'm not here to debunk people going.. ooh.. well obviously we're all gonna die. Let's assume here for a second though, that the Mayan's were.. erm, never ever ever wrong. That they were always right on the nose about their predictions.. okay.. The Mayans have a very famous prediction that nobody seems to have paid much attention to lately and that I would like to put the spot light on..
Pop quiz. Anybody here know this date? October 21, 4772?
Oh that's right, you probably don't. This is nearly 3000 fucking years into the future. Predicted by the great Mayan tribe themselves to be the date the king Pacal of Palenque would celebrate his accession in the eightieth Calendar Round. My point here being. The same people, in the same period of the 2012 predictions, also made the prediction, that 3000 years after the "end of the world" (which they didn't say would end, we said that.. or actually, only you super theorist out there that like to scare other people and yourselves) we would all sit around.. celebrating the accession of a king, that yeah, nobody knows really anything about. I'm sure that prediction will come true. But anyways, my point is.. if you're gonna have a set date by the Mayans to die by, it ought to be October 21, 4772. Because obviously that's the day the dead king comes back and kills us all for not giving a damn. Assuming we're still on Earth at that point.

Moving on!

Nostradamus anybody? Okay. This is going to be short, and to the point. So, if any of you have any questions concerning this shocking statement. Please email me, and I'll happily provide you with what answers I can. Nostradamus made clear (in French) and I mean, VERY VERY FUCKING CLEAR that his predictions (we've gone past over 16 of them already) will continue until the year 3797 A.D.

Note: so the world ends somewhere between 4772 and 3797. Let's see if we can narrow it down a bit more shall we?

But wait, what about the Planet X that is going to make us flip upside down and stuff? Okay, really? Well, it should make for that must see movie titled, yeah you guessed it! ~2012~ I mean, well at least we know Hollywood thinks we're all gonna die. And they are gonna make a lot of money off this one too. Don't lie, you know you wanna see it too. Okay, so the deal with Planet X, which isn't even the 10th planet. Anybody who's anybody knows that the 10th planets name is oh yeah, Xena. I'm not kidding. Anyways, does anybody remember that huge dooms day scare we had in 2003? Anybody? Any takers? No? Oh well, it was about this planet, that was huge, called, Nibiru. (or Planet X to some) It was suppose to come really close to Earth and cause all kinds of natural disasters hence destroying all we hold so dear. Anybody remembering that? Well, Hollywood would be so proud, we've put our doom days ideas on rerun here. On 12/21/2012, a planet, called Nibiru, is suppose to making its run right by Earth. I guess you can fill in the blanks as to what that's suppose to do to us. Right? Here's the deal, NASA isn't hiding much. Hell they are so poorly funded right now, they need a Nibiru to come close. I mean think about it. They are relying on Russia for the time being. If we had some big end of the world type planet thing barreling our way, that would make for one hell of a fundraiser, wouldn't you think? My point is, as much as NASA dreams of being able to support itself financially, our government nor its people despite any dooms day reports, care about space. Which is tragic. I have a feeling, and Galactica fans, you guys back me up on this one, that some day, we really are going to be in trouble, and we're gonna be stuck here waiting to die, because we didn't give any money to the guys that wanted us to make things possible.

So. Lets try not being such pussies for a minute. We have a life and world to take care of. Space that needs to be explored. And an economy that is in the shitter. I think we got enough problems without talking ourselves into things that aren't true. And for you Christians out there that support the 2012 crap... nobody.. says God, will know the date and time of his return. So if 12/21/12 is suppose to be it.. obviously, you're wrong. That was easy, lets play again.




Tune in next time when we discuss something that doesn't involve death!